Fee, Fi, Fo Fum


Mrs. Beanstalk washed the dishes and listened to her slow-witted husband come thumping down the stairs.

“Fee, Fi, Fo Fum, I smell the ……….”

“For goodness sake!” shrieked Mrs. Beanstalk, as she hurried from the kitchen, “How many more times have I got to tell you to stop singing that bloody song. Every day you go blundering around this castle singing that same old song. What is the matter with you?”

“But it’s my song,” replied her giant of a husband, “It’s what us giants have to sing.”

“Says who!” shouted his wife, ”Go on, show me where it says you have to wander aimlessly around the house, singing the same boring song, to the same boring tune, every bloody day!”

The giant looked down at his wife and decided it was probably best not to answer. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t tried to change. Only yesterday he’d been wandering round the garden trying to think of some different words or maybe keeping the same words but trying a different tune. But his poor brain couldn’t cope with it all and after ten minutes of trying he’d given up and taken a nap under a tree.

“Don’t just stand there gawping.” Shouted Mrs. Beanstalk and waking the giant from his thoughts, “Make yourself useful, go and make sure the fence  around that beanstalk is still secure. And if you see that horrible child from down below climbing up it, come and get me straight away. Do you hear me? Whatever you do, don’t speak to him and for goodness sake don’t sing that silly song. We have enough trouble with the neighbours as it is, without you scaring their kids.”

The giant lumbered slowly off down the garden path, humming his song to himself and wondering if crushed bones really did make a good loaf.



Remember Me?


He sits in his chair and looks straight through me. I chat about the things we used to do, the places we once visited, but there is no response. I look at the man I love. The smile has gone, the eyes have lost their twinkle. His blank expression brings tears to my eyes. Then a young nurse walks in and offers us tea. The man in front of me awakens. The mischievous glint returns, his cheeky smile lights up the room. He’s back, laughing and flirting with me. He even remembers my name. But he only has eyes for her.



Unit 1354


“So, Mr. Jones, you’re storage space is down this corridor, unit number 1354. As specified in our brochure each of our units is adapted to contain a maximum of four adults. I see from my notes than you are looking to use it to house just one person. Would that be yourself sir?”

“No. It’s for my wife.”

“And when will your wife be taking up occupancy?”

“Her body will be arriving later today.”

Excellent Mr. Jones. And when exactly would you like us to regenerate her?”

“Le me give that question some thought and I’ll get back to you.”



A 100 word story for this week’s Friday Fictioneers prompt.

Gone Fishing


“What you looking at girl? Never seen a fish before?”

“Seen lots of fish mister but ain’t never heard one talk before. What you doing here anyway? Shouldn’t you be in water?”

“Stupid child! Of course I should.”

“No need to be rude Mister, I was only asking. My Dad says rude people should be ignored. I wonder if the same goes for rude fish? I think it probably does, I’m off.”

“No! Don’t go. I’m sorry. It’s being stranded here on this pier that’s making me grumpy. I’m getting a bit short of breath and this sun is starting to dry me out. If you could help me back into the water I’d be extremely grateful.”

“It depends. How heavy are you? ‘Cos my Dad says I’m not big enough to lift heavy things.”

“I’m 14 pounds, give or take a few ounces. If you can’t lift me, just drag me to the edge and push me over the side. Please.”

“Pa! This one says he’s 14 pounds, is that big enough? He sure looks tasty.”





“I’m telling you Jimmy, I’ve had enough. Every bloody day this happens, you and me do all the work and all we get is leftovers.”

“Keep your voice down Billy, he’ll hear you.”

“I don’t care. I’m telling you, things need to change round here, or I’m off.”

“He won’t like that mate. You know what he’s like. Nobody ever leaves, not of their own accord anyway. Why don’t you just finish your meal. You’ll feel better afterwards.”

“But it’s just not fair Jimmy. Look at what we’ve got here. Half a mangled arm and the bottom part of a scrawny leg. There’s not enough meat here to keep one of us going let alone both of us.”

“Yeah I know but he is the boss Billy. Where would we be without him?”

“A lot less hungry to start with. Look at him sat over there. He must have at least three plump torsos, a dozen good legs and three juicy looking heads and it was us who got them for him.”

“Be fair Billy. It was him who knew about this place. We’d never have found it ourselves.”

“OK but where was he when you and me were chasing these people through the forest? Where was he when one of them pulled out that shotgun? Look at this hole in my head. It’s going to take days before it starts to mend and then it won’t be perfect. I’ll be scarred for life.”

“I don’t think another hole in your head is going to do much for your looks, one way or another Billy, do you? If you’re so worried about not getting your fair share why don’t you go and talk to him? Ask him for some more.”

“Me! You must be joking. Have you forgotten what he did to young Oliver when he asked for more. Still turns what’s left of my stomach whenever I think about it. No, I think you’re probably right Jimmy, I’ll feel better after we’ve eaten. Pass us that leg, I’ll give it another chew.”


Life’s A Bitch



“How’s it going Billy? Not seen you for a while, been away on holiday?

“Kind of Jimmy. Not so much a holiday, more what you might call an experience.”

“Sounds a bit exotic mate. Where was it then? Some desert island in the sun?

“If I tell you Jimmy, will you promise not to tell anyone. I wouldn’t want my Maggie finding out.”

“Of course mate. My lips are sealed. Go on then, where have you been?”

“Planet Zong, Jimmy. I’ve spent the last week on a far flung planet called  Zong.”

“Planet Zong? That’s a new one on me Billy. What is it? One of those posh new theme parks? Next you’ll be telling me it was all expenses paid and you were waited on, hand and foot, by delectable young maidens. You weren’t were you? Waited on, hand and foot, by delectable young maidens, I mean?”

“Well, sort of. Ii all started when I was walking home from the pub last Friday. I was half way across the park when this spaceship landed right next to the bowling green Next thing I knew I was being abducted  by aliens.”

“Oh yeah. So what were they like these aliens? Bright green with no eyes and long slimy fingers?”

“Don’t be daft Jimmy, you’re getting mixed up with the inhabitants of Planet Xedo. These aliens were from Zong. The whole planet is inhabited by tall, beautiful, sexy young women. They wanted to study a male Earthling and chose me.”

“Go on! So what did they do to you?”

“Sorry mate I can’t tell you, they made me promise. All I’ll say was I could have stayed there forever, it was fantastic.”

“So why didn’t you mate? If it was that wonderful, why did you come back?”

“Had no choice Jimmy. My library books are due back tomorrow and I’ve an appointment with the chiropodist on Wednesday. The girls were devastated. They begged me not to leave. But what could I do? Last thing I needed was a library fine hanging over my head.”

“That’s life for you mate, at times it can be a right bitch.”