It Wasn’t My Fault Mum – 100WCGU

Another story for 100WCGU and this week’s prompt ‘…. it wasn’t me …’. I’ve been playing around with this one for a few days and I’m not sure. Not sure if the words in brackets at the end of each line are right, not sure about the repetition …. generally ‘not sure’. So I would welcome your thoughts.

It Wasn’t My Fault Mum

It wasn’t my fault you screamed at dad every night. (Lonely man).
It wasn’t my fault he walked out on us one day. (Another woman).
It wasn’t my fault I only saw him two hours, every other Saturday. (McDonald’s burger).
It wasn’t my fault your new boyfriend started coming to my room. (Creepy pervert).
It wasn’t my fault I ran away to the big city, working the streets. (Missing home).
It wasn’t my fault they did this to me, leaving me here to die. (Need you mum).
It wasn’t my fault mum – was it?

MikeJackson©2012

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “It Wasn’t My Fault Mum – 100WCGU

  1. I love the idea – the ending is quite haunting. I think the repetition works really well and gives the last couple of lines more impact. I think it would have more impact still though without the brackets – I think maybe an extra line somewhere using the extra words to saved would be better. Just my opinion though…

    1. Thanks for your comments Sally-Jayne, much appreciated.
      I’m glad the repetition worked. The brackets, I kept adding, taking away and couldn’t really make up my mind.

  2. I have to agree about the repetition of the phrase, it creates a kind of rythm that is then counterpointed by that last abrupt “was it?” I think the power of this lies in the words added in parenthesis. Don’t know if putting them in brackets changes it or not, but they are like snapshots of moments in time that illustrate the line before. The “leaving me here to die” followed by (need you Mum) is heartbreaking.

    This theme seems to have inspired you, Mike, fine work!

  3. Many thanks for your kind words Judee.
    It is great to be able to be able to put up a piece of work that you are not sure about and get such constructive support.

  4. The repetition works very well but I’m not sure about the brackets. I like the emphasis it provides but the brackets are distracting somehow. Perhaps play with the format, not sure how to describe this, but maybe have the bracketed piece offset by spacing rather than the brackets. So, for example, line one on the left and the bracket response on the next line but on the right side.

    For me, it took a second read to fully understand the bracketed piece. They add impact though so I would remove them, just play around with the format visually. Those are just my thoughts, hope they help.

  5. I like the way you used the prompt each time- made it have more depth. I tend to agree with the other comments that the bracketted parts could be left out for the reader to imagine who is saying them- but that’s the thing with writing- no rights and wrongs!

I look forward to reading your comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s