The End Of The World Is Nigh
“Why is the sky black Jimmy?”
“No idea mate. Never seen it that dark before. Mind you it’s hard to tell, what with them bars and the window being so small. Reckon we’re in for one hell of a storm.”
“They ain’t storm clouds Jimmy. Look closely. It’s mid-day and the sky is as black as night.”
“You’re right, very black. Maybe it’s one of those eclipse things.”
“Can’t be Jimmy otherwise we would have heard about it on the radio. You don’t think it might be something more serious do you? I heard some blokes talking at breakfast and they’d heard it was the end of the world. What do you think Jimmy?”
“Could be, mind you I’ve never seen an end of the world before so I wouldn’t know for sure.”
“What we going to do Jimmy if it is the end of the world? You’re the clever one, you must know about these things.”
“First we need to get our facts straight. Is it just bad weather or is the world going to end? Why don’t you go and check on the radio, see what they’ve got to say, meanwhile I’m going to finish this crossword.”
“I’ve done that Jimmy. The bloke on Radio 4 says it’s not the weather. He says the forecast was for a sunny day. They’ve been interviewing some expert who reckons it really is the end of the world. He says it’s probably going to happen some time today or by tea time tomorrow at the latest. What are we going to do Jimmy?”
“Well, first things first. Are you Church of England same as me?”
“Don’t know Jimmy. How do you tell?
“Have you ever been to church?
“I spent six months nicking lead off church roofs. Nice little earner that was until we got caught. Must have visited 10 churches during those six months, in fact we went to St. Jude’s twice. Does that count Jimmy?”
“That’ll do just fine. What we need to do next is get hold of a vicar and confess all our sins. It’s important we do it before the world ends.”
“When you say confess all our sins Jimmy do you mean every single one. Do I need to tell him about that bullion job I did last year but didn’t get caught for?”
“So that was you was it? Very impressive. Yes you need to tell him everything, even the small ones, just to be on the safe side. Why don’t you see if you can get hold of that vicar while I start this Sudoku.”
“Jimmy, the guard says the prison vicar has been overwhelmed with requests for confessions. Says it all got too much for him and he’s gone of sick. They don’t expect him back until a week on Tuesday at the earliest. What are we going to do Jimmy? If we leave it until then it will be too late, this end of the world thing will have come and gone. Is this confession business really necessary?”
“Essential mate, bloody essential. If it’s the end of the world and we haven’t confessed we could find ourselves with all sorts of delays afterwards. We don’t want that do we? Did the guard say if there was anyone else available?
“He said something about a Catholic priest Jimmy. Apparently he’s very young and not been here long, but he could fit us in this afternoon.”
“Catholic you say. Are you a Catholic?”
“Me, Jimmy, I don’t think so. Mind you I did squat in St. Peter’s for a week. That was a derelict Catholic church just outside Leeds. Would that count?”
“That would do nicely. Give the guard a shout and arrange for this priest to come and see us this afternoon. Try and make it for late on I’ve still got this Sudoku to finish and then I need my afternoon nap.”